FFFFFFFF.

I hate the smell of baby formula. Always have, ever since my little brother was a baby.

Now I realize what it smells like...

Failure.

*headdesk*

Got Milk? Why Yes, Yes I do.

Breastfeeding. There's a whole industry built around it.

I spent most of my pregnancy not worrying about it. I figured the more uptight about breastfeeding I was, the less chance I'd have of doing it successfully. Until today I owned one book on breastfeeding and even that was picked up for me at a yard sale for $.25. I read enough to learn the basics of a "latch" and the theory behind comfortable, safe feedings -- and that was it.

Like so much of the last two weeks, though, breastfeeding has not gone according to any kind of plan. By the time the staff handed me a Stoatling in the hospital, it was almost two whole hours after he was born and the shakes had just barely worn off for me. All I could think about was getting something to drink -- I told the nurse I was ready to drink the ultrasound gel they had in the recovery room, I was that damned thirsty. I wasn't thinking about the "first gaze" moment (Daddy Stoat had that honor), "skin-to-skin" or feeding anything. I'd just been sliced open to have a major organ and seven pounds of baby removed, then been stapled back together. Breastfeeding was emphatically not on my mind.

This being the case, Baby Stoat and I missed what is widely considered to be the golden opportunity to establish a nursing bond. About thirty minutes after birth is when the sucking reflex is strongest and that's when the baby should be, well, sucking -- instead, he was off in the nursery with Daddy while I was focusing on being stapled back together.

The hospital did try. We had a lactation consultant in twice -- even staying an extra day to make it happen -- and every nurse was convinced she would get him "on". Over four days, that was quite a few nurses who really did try, to no avail. Baby Stoat was just not latching. He dropped weight, I started frantically using a breast pump, and my life turned into an endless cycle of wash-pump-feed-wash. I will do anything to keep the Stoatling healthy, but our inability to sync up for breastfeeding just annoyed me. Surely someone, somewhere knew something about how to get around this!

I spoke with his paediatrician, who also happened to be *my* paediatrician as a child, and she gave me a list of private lactation consultants. I went home from the office that day feeling hopeful and chose a few names off of the list to call. After a few non-returned calls, a few flat out "No" answers (we do live quite a ways out from the area where we see the doctor) and admittedly scheduling a few and chickening out, my Google-fu turned up Mahala. Immediately I found the attitude on the website comforting -- I wasn't going to be made to feel guilty about pumping and bottle feeding! -- so I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best as I sent off the contact form.

Diana West called me back and I explained our situation to her over the phone, and was immediately rewarded with a definite positive vibe. I instantly felt a lot better. No way I was going to chicken out this time! If I was going to have a lactation consultant out to my house, best to have it be the woman who literally wrote the book on breast feeding.We scheduled a visit and while there were no promises of miracles, I went into it with high hopes.

When Diana showed up at our house today, I was very happy to have her get right down to business, since today is one of those days when I can barely keep up with Baby Stoat's demands -- he's wanted food every hour, on the hour -- and breast feeding at the breast would take back several hours of my own time in pumping and cleaning equipment! She assessed the baby's "suck", and I wasn't entirely surprised with the diagnosis of posterior tongue tie. Several of the nurses at the hospital thought he might be tongue tied and others didn't, so it's not a total shock to hear he has some issues with getting his tongue moving the way it needs to go. It certainly explains the behaviour at the breast -- he roots, he scores, he starts to suck and then despite the fact that by that point there is milk ALL over us (and the chair, the floor, the cats and anything else in the line of fire), he drops off and looks confused. Today's assessment showed us that this is due to his tongue's inability to carry the milk in properly -- hello, explanation! -- and that if we have his frenulum clipped (*sniff* baby's first body mod!) we may well wind up with a happily breastfeeding baby.

We did try some feeding with the nipple shield and we did get a latch, all on his own, while I was reclined on the sofa. I can't even begin to say how hopeful I feel after that! It's true he didn't take in much milk, but he did it, and if we get there once now, we can get there again in the future. Baby steps for a Baby Stoat!

Apart from that we also received some great advice on how to bottle feed effectively and some advice on the best way to pump, since that is going to be our routine for the moment. So while not much has changed here at the Stoat's Nest -- it will still be a routine of clean, pump, feed, clean for a while -- I'm incredibly glad I have found some fantastic support and have a lot of hope for the future.

Next up, discussing D-MER -- or yes, it is possible for things to get more dysphoric...

Mellow

Dinner is cooking, Baby Stoat is sleeping and making stoat-y noises, the lights are low and there is some mellow music playing.

All is right with the world.

Baby Observations

I should probably at some point write up a birth story here. I've never been much for birth stories, though -- do you really need to know when my water broke or how many shots of epidural juice I had before the eventual baby-ectomy?

Besides, if you're on Twitter or Facebook with me you know it anyway -- God bless the iPad. What can I say, I was bored!

Andrew's been in the world a little over a week now and on balance it's been pretty good. There have been some bumps in the road -- who knew he would have his first "I'm-going-to-scream-my-head-off-for-hours-and-there's-nothing-you-can-do-about-it-so-ha!" moment when I snuck off for an hour or two to have my nails done? Poor Daddy Stoat, since I am the one with the mammaries and, therefore, dinner. But on the whole, while life with a baby has obviously taken some adjusting, we're doing okay.

I really just wanted to jot down a few observations from my first week of parenthood, because they're fairly new and I want to get them while they're fresh.

#1 -- I will someday write a book titled "Breastfeeding -- It's Not That *%#$! Simple". Those who know what I'm talking about will understand it when I say that Andrew has yet to latch on well, which could be a result of many things, including the Completely Unprepared Childbirth I had. My birth plan, with the nice "allow me to breast feed immediately" and "skin to skin immediately after the birth" checked off? Still saved to my desktop as Dr. I-Don't-Want-To-Discuss-This-Yet, well, didn't want to discuss it yet. Funny, I imagine had she done an internal I might have known Korma McPuddingbutt was on his way. Anyway, from all of the "nipple zealot" websites (as Daddy Stoat calls them) it seems we may have inadvertently affected Andrew's ability to latch with skipping out on those things and subsequently allowing bottle feeds in the hospital because he was losing weight with my milk supply being a bit slow to show up. So yeah -- breastfeeding? Not as simple as it sounds.

#2 -- I still refuse to worry about poo. I do, however, worry about wee. A lot.

#3 -- I have a new respect for cows.

#4 -- There is nothing more awesome than watching Daddy Stoat be a daddy. Nothing.

#5 -- Babies sleep a lot, but I spend my "down time" obsessively Googling all of the things I am likely doing wrong.

#6 -- Epidurals are good.

#7 -- C sections don't hurt. The recovery is another story. Laughter was banned for about a week.

#8 -- It was probably very smart to never, ever watch a birth video, C-section video or see an epidural being given. That unpreparedness meant I went in with no expectations, just flexible plans, and I was not freaked out about anything that happened, which for me is pretty unusual. Either that or oxytocin makes you *reaaaallllllly* mellow.

#9 -- Losing 20 pounds in a week? Freaking awesome.

#10 -- The postpartum body is a bit scary, but I actually kind of like some of the redecorating pregnancy has done. I could be okay with this.

#11 -- Lochia. Euwww!

#12 -- For every website or book with an opinion, there is an equal and opposite opinion in the next book or website. Read at your own risk. When you have time to read. Which is never, anyway. Why read when you have a baby to cuddle?

#13 -- The shower is my friend. Though I think that's as much to do with my thyroid being funny again as it is anything else. Showers make me feel normal.

#14 -- Daddy Stoat is an awesome daddy. Fastest nappy change in the West!

#15 -- I miss my feet, which have been replaced by stuffed sausages. I also miss wearing real shoes.

I'm sure there will be more of these observations in the future, but for now, that is what my brain can handle. :)