Silence

It amazes me how central London can be more silent at 3 am than our suburban NJ bolthole.

Consequently, that leaves much time to think. More precisely, more time to become nervous about the surgery on the 12th, but if there's something wrong and my fallopian tubes really don't...fallope...then I'd rather it were fixed now.

I started cinnamon instead of Metformin and Soy instead of the carefully hoarded Clomid. We shall see if I ovulate this month. The cinnamon doesn't upset my stomach so I'm taking a higher dose than the Met, and also it makes my burps taste nice.

Should probably call the fertility clinic and tell them I'm away, but it can wait.

Merry Xmas

..or, as it is known now, CD1.

Hate. So much for holiday miracles.

On the 12th DPO my true love gave to me...

...nothing -- I've had my Christmas prezzie already, so there we go.

Seriously, though, my tits are killing me. I've never experienced aches like this before! Ow!

Waiting

The thing about the two week wait...

...is that it is filled with waiting. Which is exactly what I am doing now.

In that, I've been lucky (?) to have so much excess stress to distract me and here we are at 5 days post ovulation. I haven't had time to exercise in over a week and there's no foreseeable relief in sight before going on holiday. I definitely didn't want to approach this holiday as a lard ass, but seems I'll be doing just that.

Given that this is the case, this means that I cannot have the consult at the hospital in London as I'm too far outside of their "acceptable weight" guidelines. I'm not too disappointed, since not exercising is my fault, not theirs. I've been eating healthy -- whole grain bread and peanut butter for most meals -- I can get back on track easily enough after things settle down a bit. It's not just exercise which has slid; I'm two days behind in my writing, I haven't ridden in almost two weeks, and I haven't done any housework so the dust bunnies are forming a union -- I think the dirty dishes are organising it.

Apart from that, no conception news other than my progesterone was low and I had to have another shot of Ovidrel last night. Woo.

Cervix.

F0r some reason, the usually painless IUI hurt today and there was some spotting. Now I'm crampy.

The nurse mentioned something about the speculum being the wrong size. All I noticed was that it was freezing cold, particularly for an object that had just come out of a warming tray...

Early.

IUI today and tomorrow. I don't feel positive about this cycle, but at least I don't feel so negative as I did last time. I was positive that it wouldn't work.

I wish I didn't have so many stress factors right now, but unfortunately life is dealing me quite a bit right now outside of the whole TTC thing! Moving country will do that to you, I suppose. We seem to have gotten it sorted to a reasonable degree, so that by Tuesday it should be behind us.

I don't feel like I've been very healthy this week, despite making more meals at home and eating out less (out of necessity since we're broke!). I had several days off from working out and riding due to air time out of the saddle. I rode Sunday and Monday, did barn work on Friday, and went to the gym on Thursday. I suppose if I go to the gym tomorrow that will mean I did something active four out of eight days, not too shabby. I am doing poorly at losing weight, which is not ideal, and it is actually coming in spite of being a "vegetablist" for most of the week! For some reason meat is not tasty this week and I've only had it three times. I really need to find some vegetablist recipes that are not full of soy. I don't want to eat something that is shaped/textured like meat, I want purely veggie stuff!

Meh. I just feel a bit of a lard ass because all I had to eat today was McDonalds. No more feeling sorry for myself, though!

Finally!

Progress!

I've discovered that going to the RE at 6.30 am gets me in at the same time as going at 5.30 am, and the wait isn't as bad. Go figure. I barely had time to read any of my book.

There is finally an 18mm follicle hanging around. I can finally stop the nasty Follistim injections and move on to the nasty Ovidrel injections, which of course is the Big Effing Needle Of Death. I never thought I'd say this, but thank God!

I felt very positive about this cycle earlier; maybe "slow & steady" will be what wins the race? Who knows? I'm still going to get a second opinion over the holiday, and have to take some time off from this and regroup, maybe come back to it in early Spring. The peaks and valleys of elation and depression are becoming too varied and I need some balance.

So no sleeping in for myself or The Stoat this weekend, it's andrology and IUI for us. At least my arms can start healing up soon.

Tomorrow.

Come back tomorrow. Again. I didn't pay the co-pay today; frankly, after $400 worth of visits I don't feel I should be charged.

The ultrasound hurt so badly I could cry and I look like a heroin addict. All for nothing yet.

Is it coincidence that these "problems" started after we said we wouldn't be doing IVF? You'd better believe I'm planning to let the world know that this is going on.

...

I should be nearly 12 weeks pregnant by now. I would have been out of my first trimester.

:(

Aargh!!!

I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall!!

I have been to the RE so many times this week I'm going broke from the co-pays. This is the fifth or sixth visit in about 8 days and my follicles *still* aren't ready to go. Follistim made a lot of them appear, but they are proceeding along at a snail's pace, having grown one stinking millimeter in two days! Today will be my 11th injection of the fecking stuff.

For contrast, the average time I was on Gonal F was six days.

I don't want any more blood work, either. Six times in the last week is e-freaking-nough. I look like a heroin addict. I have track marks. I am FED UP!!!

I'm seriously looking forward to a vacation now.

Carousel.

The exhaustion hasn't abated, despite going to bed at 9.00 last night.

Being up for an ultrasound this morning didn't help. At least I thought it was a good ultrasound, with three follicles looking like they could be the likely one. 14, 13, and 12mm, respectively.

Of course, now the RE is concerned because there are three whole follicles growing. They've but my dose of Follistim way back tonight and want to see me again tomorrow, which is damned inconvenient and not going to help the exhaustion. I was hoping for at least some sleep between the crazy scheduling this weekend!

Ah well, it's not to be, and if I get a Baby Stoat out of the deal, I'm fine with it.

Ow.

Stingy injection site stings. Ow.

Very exhausted. Wonder if it has something to do with the meds? Probably more related to 5 am wakeups for the doctor. Preparation for parenthood, perhaps?

Zzzzz.

Stress

I wasn't stressed about this whole thing -- until now.

Coming fast on the heels of yesterday's "you should have this surgery" RE visit was this morning's ultrasound. Apparently, my body doesn't like Follistim as much as it liked Gonal-F. The two drugs are supposedly identical, though it looks like one is follitropin alpha and one is follitropin beta.

What that means, who knows. All I know is that it is cycle day 7 and usually by now I'm one visit away from the trigger shot; this time I'm one visit away from maybe actually having some growing follicles. The doctor didn't seem terribly concerned, but then again he didn't seem terribly concerned yesterday when telling me he'd like to cut me open and have a poke around to see what's going on, either. In fact, I'm not actually sure it's possible for this man to be terribly concerned, full stop, he's very...neutral. All I can do is wait for the blood work and hope.

I feel defeated and heartbroken and stressed and not at all like the happy, confident person I should be at this point. And I am dreading the holidays, and visiting friends with babies.

Zydrate comes in a little glass vial...

...but unfortunately I don't think it's on the prescribed drug list for a laparoscopy. Which is what the RE wants to do next.

We did have our meeting with the RE this morning and as predicted, "IVF would be the best thing." Well of course it would, for you, and for your bank balance. Not for us, and we just said no. Actually, The Foxy Stoat said no, thankfully, because I didn't speak up.

So the RE wants to cut me open and poke around a bit to see what is going on, and that is scheduled for January 12th. That means I either get knocked up this cycle, or I go under the knife.

Isn't that a lovely choice?

It's strange, all I can think of is that I'll be out of commission for two weeks with riding and exercise, and how the heck am I going to deal with that? This can't be good. I don't want that to happen just as I'm getting back into shape.

I'm going to have a second opinion at Guys & St Thomas in London, but I think it may be best to go through with it and find out if there's been something all along getting in the way, which would be why Clomid didn't work and why we've had one Big Fat Positive from so many cycles. I've had a hysterosalpingogram to show nothing is blocked, but there could be scar tissue or endometriosis there.

The surgery is scheduled for the week after we get back. I have my pre-op on January 7th and the surgery is the 12th.

Needless to say, I am terrified out of my mind. Do you hear me, reproductive tract? Time to get into gear or there is going to be a scary guy with knives and lasers coming after you, and I won't be awake to save you! Please get it together in the next few days.

Ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow. I wonder how the Follistim is working and if it'll be any different? It certainly feels different, like I'm going to murder people for no damned reason...